GI Joe: The Rise of Clichés

Warning: this review spoils the entire film, but it doesn’t matter, because no one should watch it.

In the normal course of things, I like to begin a review with a brief summary of the plot of the film, book or game in question. GI Joe, however, defies conventional reviewing; firstly, because there is no way to summarise the plot, and secondly because it’s simply far more enjoyable to go through the film from start to finish, ripping it to shreds as I go. Don’t worry about the fact that this review will give the entire plot away – just think of as many Hollywood clichés as you can, add a few more for good measure, and you’ve got it.

After a brief prologue in which it’s established that the main foe is descended from a pathological foe with a mask fetish, the film jumps to the present day, where Generic Hero and his Black Buddy kick enough ass to be allowed to join Team Alpha, some super awesome top secret team of, er, ass kickers who get to defend the world with cutting edge technology such as Iron Man reject suits. Naturally, Generic Hero takes to all this like a duck to water and does ridiculously well on the entrance tests, whilst Black Buddy is, as per usual, forever doomed to be in second place. Naturally, this doesn’t stop him from trying his luck with the ladies, specifically the usual Ice Queen, a talented female colleague who believes only in Science, not foolish things like emotions that can’t be measured. Just for the record, I am a female scientist, and yes, I do believe that emotions exist, because, well, it’s pretty damn self-evident.

Then, for no reason I can really discern, we have The Guy With A Past, who refused to utter the ridiculous lines that pass for dialogue in this film (beauties such as the deadpan “You don’t ask to join GI Joe. You get asked.”) and hence has taken a vow of silence. His Past naturally involves one of the bad guys, who murdered their master back when they were both precocious underage apprentices. There’s no real point to the inclusion of this storyline, but then there’s no real point to the film, so they could have just thrown in anything they liked and it wouldn’t have made any difference.

But wait, that’s not all, for every villain team needs a femme fatale, and in this case it is the Evil Ex Girlfriend of Generic Hero. In the past, she was all sweetness and light, which we know because she was blonde and only ever lived in sunshine, whereas these days she stalks about in skintight leather with black hair. Could it be that the catalyst for her turning evil was that fateful mission where Generic Hero promised to bring her brother back alive (a death sentence if ever there was one)?

So, with the forces of evil launching warheads packed with nanomachines that disintegrate everything they touch, it’s time for the heroes to spring into action. What this means is an extended fight/chase scene that ruins much of Paris and culminates in the destruction of the Eiffel Tower. If there was anything that moved me to genuine emotion in this movie, it was surely the callous devastation of this historical landmark. What kind of morally bankrupt writer would put such a thing into a screenplay?

Anyway, having survived the first hour, I knew that if I stopped the film at that point I would never resume it, and so I ploughed on towards the second hour, where from out of nowhere, a complete disjoint set of clichés arrived. Whilst the rest of the team are expelled from Paris forever (an unbearable punishment!), Generic Hero is captured and put under the care of Evil Mad Scientist. But wait, what is this? Not only is Evil Mad Scientist actually the Not Deceased Brother of Evil Ex Girlfriend, but in his bitterness and anger, he was the one who used nefarious Mind Control Techniques to turn her evil in the first place!

Of course, ultimately the power of Love triumphs over Mind Control, and Evil Ex Girlfriend breaks free of it to save Generic Hero, who in turn must save the day. Actually, to be honest, Black Buddy does more than his fair share towards saving the day, even igniting emotions in the Ice Queen. Quelle surprise, eh? In the meantime, Evil Mad Scientist and Main Villain indulge in their fetishes by donning Masks of Evil in preparation for this year’s sequel. I’ll see you at the cinema…or not.

Source Code

Last year, I watched and enjoyed the film Moon, a sci-fi mystery about a lone man on a lunar base who gradually discovered that things were not as it seemed. So when Source Code was sold on the strength of it being ‘from the creators of Moon’, I felt sure that this was a film I must watch. Unfortunately, the experience turned out to be a major disappointment.

Source Code is one of those films where it’s almost impossible to describe the plot without giving away some kind of spoiler. Nonetheless, I shall do my best not to ruin more than the first few minutes by explaining that it sees air force pilot Colter Stevens being sent into a simulated reconstruction of a recent train explosion. His job is to relive the last eight minutes prior to the explosion and identify the culprit so that the authorities can arrest him before he strikes again.

So without giving anything further away, what we have here is a spiritual successor to Quantum Leap, but where Sam Beckett was smart, savvy and accompanied by a hologram, Colter Stevens is an idiot and entirely unsuited for his job. His idiotic blunders through the simulation are almost painful to watch, and by the time he starts making progress on his mission, it’s more of a relief than anything else. It doesn’t help that all the characters are as paper thin and one-dimensional as it gets, to the extent that it’s an effort even to recall their names.

But all of this could perhaps be forgiven if the film hadn’t blown the last of my goodwill with an ending that manages to not only be bad, but doubly so. At the point where Source Code should have ended, it cops out not once, but twice, creating a big nonsensical mess of a conclusion that will leaving you feeling enraged towards not only the film, but at everyone who worked on it.

The irony of it all is that Source Code had some good ideas behind it, and if it was turned into a ‘Quantum Leap crime drama’ TV series, I might have some time with it. Unfortunately, the execution of this movie leaves us with little more than a damp squib – you’ll have a lot more fun mocking it than trying to take it at all seriously.

Why I hate all The Apprentice candidates as per usual

So, with the new series all fired up and ready to go, I thought I’d get myself in the mood by watching the audition videos on the BBC website- but as I watched the usual procession of smug gits, I knew I just had to blog about them! Oh, I’m sure that, as always, most of them will come across as much nicer and more human once they appear on You’re Fired, but for the moment, I hate them all, and this is why.

Karura’s Soapbox 1: Couples

For the past couple of years, I’ve been guilty of leaving this blog to moulder in a state of neglect- simply because as things stand, I don’t have time to both watch TV and blog about it, and the laws of cause and effect suggest that if I have to only pick one, then it must be to merely watch it. Anyway, after watching David Mitchell’s Soapbox, I have decided to give this blog a new lease of life by ranting about all the things that make me bitter and angry inside.

In this first instalment, the object of my ire will be couples- or, to be more specific, my having to encounter couples in public. Now, there is no doubt that this is motivated by jealousy, because at the time of writing not only am I not part of a couple, whilst someone I like is part of a couple that doesn’t include me.

Elephant Parade London 2010

Today (and by today I mean last Saturday, when I started writing this) I went to the Royal Hospital at Chelsea to see the Elephant Parade elephants gathered together for one last time. It was a bittersweet moment- a chance to revisit the elephants that had practically become my friends, tinged with the knowledge that we would now have to go our separate ways.

Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special 2008

As per usual, previous winners and the top three from this year’s competition came back to compete for the title of Christmas champion. Could Tom, Jill, or Alesha add another trophy to their cabinet, or would Rachel, Kelly and Lisa finally get their hands on the prize?

Strictly Come Dancing season 6 week 14: the grand finale

At last, the end is near, and so we face the final foxtrot- but who would lift the mirrorball trophy in 2008?

First up, every couple had to redo their highest scoring ballroom and Latin numbers from the main series; interestingly enough, this led to everyone doing a foxtrot for the ballroom, but allowed for a little more variety in the Latin.

Strictly Come Dancing season 6 week 13: the semi-final

It’s down to the wire now, with those two places in the final all depending on the highly technical Argentine tango, as well as our couples’ choice of favourite fance, redone with new music and choreography. Who would shine on the floor, and whose number was up?

Strictly Come Dancing season 6 week 12

Now that it’s down to the final four, there’s not much to choose between our remaining contestants- and it could take just one bad dance for someone to fall behind the pack. But who would end up waltzing into the final, and who would be stumbling home?

Strictly Come Dancing season 6 week 11

The time has come to ramp things up a notch; with only five couples left, the four places in next week’s show are going to be hotly contested by not one but two dances. Who will up their game and who will take a nosedive into obscurity?

Ballroom Round

• Rachel & Vincent (waltz): I didn’t like the choice of music as the beat was hard to follow, and Rachel’s ‘princess’ dress obscured her footwork, but that aside, this was a very good dance. Rachel’s routines still aren’t proving as memorable as the best that Strictly has to offer, but she is still talented.