In the normal course of things, I like to begin a review with a brief summary of the plot of the film, book or game in question. GI Joe, however, defies conventional reviewing; firstly, because there is no way to summarise the plot, and secondly because it’s simply far more enjoyable to go through the film from start to finish, ripping it to shreds as I go. Don’t worry about the fact that this review will give the entire plot away – just think of as many Hollywood clichés as you can, add a few more for good measure, and you’ve got it.

After a brief prologue in which it’s established that the main foe is descended from a pathological foe with a mask fetish, the film jumps to the present day, where Generic Hero and his Black Buddy kick enough ass to be allowed to join Team Alpha, some super awesome top secret team of, er, ass kickers who get to defend the world with cutting edge technology such as Iron Man reject suits. Naturally, Generic Hero takes to all this like a duck to water and does ridiculously well on the entrance tests, whilst Black Buddy is, as per usual, forever doomed to be in second place. Naturally, this doesn’t stop him from trying his luck with the ladies, specifically the usual Ice Queen, a talented female colleague who believes only in Science, not foolish things like emotions that can’t be measured. Just for the record, I am a female scientist, and yes, I do believe that emotions exist, because, well, it’s pretty damn self-evident.

Then, for no reason I can really discern, we have The Guy With A Past, who refused to utter the ridiculous lines that pass for dialogue in this film (beauties such as the deadpan “You don’t ask to join GI Joe. You get asked.”) and hence has taken a vow of silence. His Past naturally involves one of the bad guys, who murdered their master back when they were both precocious underage apprentices. There’s no real point to the inclusion of this storyline, but then there’s no real point to the film, so they could have just thrown in anything they liked and it wouldn’t have made any difference.

But wait, that’s not all, for every villain team needs a femme fatale, and in this case it is the Evil Ex Girlfriend of Generic Hero. In the past, she was all sweetness and light, which we know because she was blonde and only ever lived in sunshine, whereas these days she stalks about in skintight leather with black hair. Could it be that the catalyst for her turning evil was that fateful mission where Generic Hero promised to bring her brother back alive (a death sentence if ever there was one)?

So, with the forces of evil launching warheads packed with nanomachines that disintegrate everything they touch, it’s time for the heroes to spring into action. What this means is an extended fight/chase scene that ruins much of Paris and culminates in the destruction of the Eiffel Tower. If there was anything that moved me to genuine emotion in this movie, it was surely the callous devastation of this historical landmark. What kind of morally bankrupt writer would put such a thing into a screenplay?

Anyway, having survived the first hour, I knew that if I stopped the film at that point I would never resume it, and so I ploughed on towards the second hour, where from out of nowhere, a complete disjoint set of clichés arrived. Whilst the rest of the team are expelled from Paris forever (an unbearable punishment!), Generic Hero is captured and put under the care of Evil Mad Scientist. But wait, what is this? Not only is Evil Mad Scientist actually the Not Deceased Brother of Evil Ex Girlfriend, but in his bitterness and anger, he was the one who used nefarious Mind Control Techniques to turn her evil in the first place!

Of course, ultimately the power of Love triumphs over Mind Control, and Evil Ex Girlfriend breaks free of it to save Generic Hero, who in turn must save the day. Actually, to be honest, Black Buddy does more than his fair share towards saving the day, even igniting emotions in the Ice Queen. Quelle surprise, eh? In the meantime, Evil Mad Scientist and Main Villain indulge in their fetishes by donning Masks of Evil in preparation for this year’s sequel. I’ll see you at the cinema…or not.

Source Code is one of those films where it’s almost impossible to describe the plot without giving away some kind of spoiler. Nonetheless, I shall do my best not to ruin more than the first few minutes by explaining that it sees air force pilot Colter Stevens being sent into a simulated reconstruction of a recent train explosion. His job is to relive the last eight minutes prior to the explosion and identify the culprit so that the authorities can arrest him before he strikes again.

So without giving anything further away, what we have here is a spiritual successor to Quantum Leap, but where Sam Beckett was smart, savvy and accompanied by a hologram, Colter Stevens is an idiot and entirely unsuited for his job. His idiotic blunders through the simulation are almost painful to watch, and by the time he starts making progress on his mission, it’s more of a relief than anything else. It doesn’t help that all the characters are as paper thin and one-dimensional as it gets, to the extent that it’s an effort even to recall their names.

But all of this could perhaps be forgiven if the film hadn’t blown the last of my goodwill with an ending that manages to not only be bad, but doubly so. At the point where Source Code should have ended, it cops out not once, but twice, creating a big nonsensical mess of a conclusion that will leaving you feeling enraged towards not only the film, but at everyone who worked on it.

The irony of it all is that Source Code had some good ideas behind it, and if it was turned into a ‘Quantum Leap crime drama’ TV series, I might have some time with it. Unfortunately, the execution of this movie leaves us with little more than a damp squib – you’ll have a lot more fun mocking it than trying to take it at all seriously.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf
Alex Bitez Cabral

The usual smug git who has no time to be Mr Nice Guy. He’s happy to be unpopular, which will surely come in handy as he hasn’t shown much in the way of affability. He’s cursed himself by claiming he reckons he could easily win, a phrase most often used by those who get fired in the first week.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Edward Hunter

At age fourteen, this self-styled wheeler dealer apparently subcontracted his paper round to ten year olds- anyone who can turn to child exploitation that young clearly has a future in business! Apparently, he “accidentally became a chartered accountant”, which seems a rather careless thing to accidentally do- I mean, wouldn’t you notice what was happening along the way? Will I wake up tomorrow and find that I’ve accidentally become a lawyer overnight?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Ellie Read

Ellie is apparently a nice person with a dark side, so I look forward to seeing some sort of split personality antics in which her eyes flash and she flies into a murderous rage. If you think I’m joking, listen carefully to the point where she says she’ll fight her corner to the death. After launching into a long list of all the strata of society she doesn’t like, she goes on to tell us how she’s never experienced failure, and how it would gut her and break her to do so. Surely an inability to handle the inevitable failures that crop up in our lives from time to time is a weakness rather than a strength? I’d rather work with someone who was confident they could handle failure and come back from it!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Edna Agbara

You know how some people just can’t stop themselves from spouting buzz-phrases? Well, Edna is one of them- she’s even savvy enough to go with the “I’m not perfect but I know my limitations” approach. If anyone’s up for some blue sky thinking outside the box, it will be Edna.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Felicity Jackson

Mathematically, the most effort anyone can give is 100%, but Felicity is apparently so marvellous that 110% is her baseline, ratcheting up to a whopping 200% for her own businesses. I’d like to see how she manages that- perhaps she has a clone? Her other special ability is turning negative comments into positive ones- I’d like to see how that works on “You’re shit”. She’s got no time for friends in the business world, but then perhaps that’s because she’s both chatty (self-confessed) and ‘constantly’ being asked to do freelance work. Is that in the same way that the garage entrance on my old route to work was ‘in constant use’ even though I never saw anyone entering or leaving?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Gavin Winstanley

He’s done it all and been the best, he’s special and brilliant- then why haven’t I heard of him before? Apparently everyone will love and respect him and even Lord Sugar has nothing to teach him, which makes me wonder- why go on the show at all? I mean, given how special and brilliant he is, he should be making his own Apprentice, shouldn’t he? I mean, I think I’m special and brilliant and better than everyone else, but I don’t go bragging about…oh.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Glenn Ward

Well, at least he’s honest about how he’s going to stab everyone else in the back. He reckons he’s pretty great, has got ‘several businesses’ and can do anything anyone else can do- a bit like a Mimic in Final Fantasy. He’s a perfectionist who takes his time, which I can see coming back to bite him in the rear when the clock’s ticking on those tasks.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Helen Louise Milligan

Helen’s smiling throughout her video, but all it serves to do is illustrate the ferocious grip those teeth would be capable of. Apparently her one failing is to be too loyal, and she’s spent so long making other people money that now it’s time to make money for herself. Not that she’ll have any time to enjoy it, as she works 24/7 and considers her job to be her life. I mean, I’m all for commitment to one’s profession, but this is a step too far! If she doesn’t at least get some sleep, she’ll be going on a psychotic killing spree and ripping apart the other candidates with her teeth!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Jim Eastwood

I know you have to bullshit on job applications, but anyone who has to tell you about their charisma and integrity probably lacks at least the latter. He’s driven and hungry, so I suggest he gets a good meal before he starts The Apprentice. When he says he can fulfil people’s needs and give them more than they ever imagined in an Irish accent, I can’t help thinking ‘leprechaun’.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Leon Doyle

Apparently he’s 26, although he looks and acts a lot younger. He could be the Stuart Baggs of this season, starting with this great quote- “I don’t like, sort of, your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo, because, chances are, he probably can’t- and why would an Eskimo buy ice?” Think you’re missing the point there, sonny. He’s very kindly decided not to smash through the other candidates, but will be doing it in a ‘charming manner’, and when he’s done, he wants to build his own house. He may well mean by himself, since apparently over the last two years he’s done it all solo. Yeah, a lot of men have to do that when they don’t have a partner.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Melody Hossaini

She’s been kidnapped and held at gunpoint, all good experience for facing the boardroom. I respect the hardships she must have been through, but I hope she doesn’t play the ‘it’s difficult for me because I’m female and in an ethnic minority’ card if things don’t go her way.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Natasha Scribbins

Right after claiming to be charming, she admits to being ‘in your face’- not my idea of charming at all then! Apparently she ticks all the boxes, which will be useful in the famous ‘box ticking’ task but perhaps of limited use elsewhere. She seems obsessed with mechanical devices, mentioning switches, toning up and down, pushing buttons and winding people up. Her plan is apparently to be so annoying that the other candidates will simply want to leave to get away from her. Or she could just get herself fired.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Susan Ma

I know exactly what to say in order to bullshit and blag, but when it comes from Susan Ma, it sounds as if she actually believes in those textbook phrases. She seems too young and earnest to last long in what Lord Sugar calls ‘this process’.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Tom Pellereau

Like all the other candidates, Tom reckons he’s different from everyone else (“we’re all individuals!”). He dreams of a world where everyone can find their special skill and contribute to a team. Watch out when the glasses come off, because that’s when laser beams shoot from his eyes, scything through the competition.

Vincent Disneur

Vincent clearly had a read of thesaurus.com before he filmed his audition, because right from the start he bombards us with adjectives, even throwing in a rare use of ‘vivacious’ to hook the by now jaded audition video viewer. He’s a ‘proven model’, and thus possibly an android, which would explain how he has an ‘unprecedented amount of business acumen’- he’s been programmed with business strategies from great minds throughout the ages! Then again, he’s also a mass of contradictions- one minute he’s ‘best of breed’, then he’s saying everyone’s equal! Although I guess some are more equal than others.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/emp/external/player.swf

Zoe Beresford

Nothing stops Zoe- in fact, she may be some kind of Terminator. Unfortunately, whilst she’s no stranger to the 4 or 5am start, she didn’t say anything about working 24/7, so if you ask me, she’s slacking off. Insurmountable odds are nothing to her, which makes about as much sense as the Yu-Gi-Oh movie’s “even eternity doesn’t last forever”.

So, with all these great personalities eager to make fools of themselves for amusement, let the fun begin. The show proper starts next Tuesday, but don’t expect me to blog about it- unlike these driven people, I’m just too damned lazy.

In this first instalment, the object of my ire will be couples- or, to be more specific, my having to encounter couples in public. Now, there is no doubt that this is motivated by jealousy, because at the time of writing not only am I not part of a couple, whilst someone I like is part of a couple that doesn’t include me. And given that the only people even vaguely interested in me are dating site weirdoes, it hardly seems likely that the situation will change any time soon.

It’s hardly surprising, then, that as I make my way around London on my lonesome, I feel more tha a little irked to be (sometimes literally) tripping over couples left, right and centre. Everywhere I go I’m confronted by those smug pairings, holding hands and cuddles in silent judgement of my single status. Look at us, they say, secure in the knowledge that we will never go anywhere or do anything alone. Enjoy cooking your pasta for one, loser, whilst we nibble hors d’oeuvres by candlelight in a romantic restaurant.

Worse yet are the couples who have to take it one step further, flaunting their relationship with so-called ‘public displays of affection’. For example, one day I was innocently walking into my local tube station when I was confronted by a couple making out in front of the ticket barriers- adding insult to injury by blocking the very path I needed to take. And whilst that was the most memorable instance, it is hardly the only one. At least the ones who take to some secluded corner can be bypassed- it’s the ones that block your path that really irritate. Are you really so hot for each other that you can’t take two more steps to the side before devouring each other like ravenous wolves? I have places to be other than staring at your little love story, so if you could just let me past on my way to get to them, I’d be much obliged. Can’t you feel the building rage as I wonder if I can get away with treading on your feet, or ‘accidentally’ elbowing you? Yes, I have a lot of rage to work through.

And with that in mind, what exactly is the correct protocol when you bump into a friend having an intimate moment with their significant other? Do you walk on by like they’re complete strangers or do you interrupt with a quick cough and a ‘hi there’? If you go out with a couple, are you supposed to look away and pretend you’re not with them the moment when they start stroking each other, or do you stare like an idiot? Should you start wondering what their policy on threesomes is?

Whatever the case, awkwardness and bitter jealousy abound, and with couples lurking round every corner, the life of a lone wolf can be a difficult one. So, as you smug couples melt into each other and clutter up the streets of London, spare a thought for those of us venture out alone, without a soul mate or fuck buddy on our arms.

Next rant: Karura explains why commuters angry up her blood on a daily basis.

Today (and by today I mean last Saturday, when I started writing this) I went to the Royal Hospital at Chelsea to see the Elephant Parade elephants gathered together for one last time. It was a bittersweet moment- a chance to revisit the elephants that had practically become my friends, tinged with the knowledge that we would now have to go our separate ways.

My elephant journey began not through any official announcement of the parade, but rather a random and seemingly inconsequential pattern of events. First, a friend ‘liked’ the Elephant Parade page on Facebook, but even then the significance of what he had uncovered didn’t strike me until I began spotting the creatures on my travels through London. After spotting a few during trips to the South Bank and the Chelsea Flower Show, I knew I could do no less than start photographing them, and learning that there were 258 of the creatures dotted about didn’t deter me at all- I might have come late to the party, but I was going to do the Pokemon thing and catch them all.

Although I managed to see an elephant here and there on that first weekend, it was only on the Spring Bank Holiday that things really kicked off. Despite my good intentions to go into the office to do a extra day’s work (before you go getting any ideas, it was to make up for a day off I had had some weeks previously), the general emptiness of the office and the pleasant weather outside naturally conspired to make me want to venture away from my desk. So it was that just after half an hour, I took myself and a printed map of the elephants’ locations and struck out for my first destination- Hyde Park.

That first day, whilst both fun and exhausting, had many lessons to teach, some of which I wouldn’t appreciate until it was too late. As I walked from Hyde Park to Marble Arch and then all the way along to Trafalgar Square before taking the tube to Green Park and working my way back to Covent Garden, the need for extensive planning began to become apparent. As long as undiscovered elephants remained plentiful, it was possible to stumble across many just by walking round Central London, but once the main clusters were ticked off, it became necessary to plan each campaign with military precision.  By the end, I would leave work armed with Google maps and a detailed plan of attack, and even then it was possible to get things terribly wrong.

Take Brixton, for example, where I misremembered what I’d read on the Facebook page and stupidly walked in the wrong direction for twenty minutes before using the GPS on my phone to realise I was in completely the wrong place. Or my first attempt to find the Hempel Hotel- I walked right past it without realising that the hotel entrance was labelled with a modest ‘H’ rather than the hotel’s full name. There were times when the frustration would almost become too great- but then you’d round another corner and there they’d be, and the feelings of triumph and victory would wash away all traces of your earlier struggle.

With every free evening and weekend dedicated to the task of tracking down the scattered herd, routines had to change- and it was just as well that the long days of summer afforded just enough daylight hours to complete the search. Whether it was trekking from Tower Hill to City Hall, reaching Berkeley Square just before dark or fervently hoping that Victoria Tower Gardens didn’t close early, there was certainly no time for normal living. Cooking, cleaning, socialising- none of these things mattered anymore, unless they could be done as quickly as possible en route to another batch of elephants.

Trickier still were the elephants who were located indoors, where limited opening times made them hard to get to after hours. After having to withdraw from Selfridges because it was too packed and getting kicked out of Hamleys mere feet from the elephants because it was closing time, perseverance and timing paid off. Even the legendary House of St Barnabas fell to the power persistence- after hearing stories of how people had been rudely turned away, I nervously dressed in my finest clothes and put on my politest manner, only to receive such a warm and friendly welcome that one of the staff members almost sent me into a room where club members were having a private breakfast! And thanks to the kindness of the people at Elephant Family HQ, I even got to meet the infamous Gerald, who was dismissed from Selfridges after close inspection revealed that the ‘leaves’ decorating his lower half were actually images of genitalia.

In fact, although there were surely plenty of people who thought I was mad- such as the lady at 81 Fulham Road who must have thought I was some kind of idiot by the time I understood that she was directing me through a door that I thought was locked- everyone from security guards to complete randomers seemed to understand and appreciate the quest that I, like so many others, had chosen to undertake. Of course, that didn’t mean the photography always went smoothly- at Covent Garden I had to wait for a crowd to disperse before I could get any kind of shot of the Clonakilty Irish Elephant, whilst Frank at Market Place was surrounded by a party of people drinking cocktails. At my second of three visits to the Hempel, access to Chestnut was denied due to a private party in his garden, with my attempts to get a distance shot distinctly hampered by thick hedges. After a few failed attempts made me look more like a crazy and indiscriminate stalker than anything else, I had to give up and return the next day.

Although the task of seeing all 258 elephants in their various locations had seemed a tall order at first, through a supreme effort the finishing line was in sight well before the day when they would be taken from the streets and gathered together as a herd. With just nine ‘problem elephants’ left to find, I went as far as taking a morning off work to get to the ones only available in the mornings or during office hours, thinking this last stretch would take an hour or two at most. Finally, by lunchtime I had made the rounds of the Royal Exchange (which I then realised was open until late, even if the shops themselves weren’t), the aforementioned House of St Barnabas, the Hempel (for the third time, to get close to Chestnut), Somerset House and Devonshire Square and the list was complete- at least, until a couple of secret extra elephants were released at the RHC (Glastonbury’s Glaston-Elly was always destined to be beyond my reach). Victory had been achieved, but it was a victory tinged with sadness- this was the end, and I could have my normal life back, but a very special era was undoubtedly over. No longer would this scavenger hunt across London dominate my life, leading me to revisit favourite places and discover new ones, to chat about progress to like-minded people on Facebook or cross their paths as they undertook their own elephant quests.

But fear not, dear friends, for the journey doesn’t have to end- this summer there are lions in Bath, rhinos in Chester, dragons in Newport and toads in Hull! Visiting them all might be a bit much for my time and budget, but I plan to see what I can do. See you there, perhaps…?

If you enjoyed this post, check out my photos on Facebook and sign the petition to support the future of the Asian Elephant (even if you’re cynical about petitions, surely it’s worth a shot).

The routines- now with added Christmas music

• Matt and Alesha (Viennese waltz): Although I never thought Alesha was as amazing as the judges claimed, this was a nice Viennese waltz- it just felt a bit forced doing it to ‘White Christmas’. Good, but not memorable.
• Lisa & Brendan (quickstep): Now this is more like it- not the most polished of performances, but still an enjoyable and high energy routine. Even the music felt more fitting.
• Jill & Darren (American smooth): I had one major issue with this routine, and that was the music- the tempo seemed far too fast, and in the middle it just sounded downright messy. Had it not been so frenetic, this would have been a lovely dance, but as it was, it just needed to slow down and relax a bit.
• Rachel & Vincent (rumba): I know most will disagree, but as someone who didn’t really enjoy this rumba in the main series, I actually found myself preferring this version. It fit well with the music, and since it was the Christmas special, the lack of basic in favour of showiness was more in-place.
• Kelly & Brian (jive): With Brendan now partnering Lisa, Kelly Brook got to return with new boy Brian and make up for having to pull out after her father died in 2007. I must admit that this routine was very entertaining- although the non-jive start was confusing, it was enjoyable second time round, whilst the routine was good fun. A nice comeback.
• Tom & Camilla (foxtrot): The evening ended on a high note with this highly entertaining and polished foxtrot- the dress was nice, the routine was good and even ‘Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer’ somehow fit the bill.

Results

After a performance of ‘Let It Snow’ by Russell Watson- complete with a lovely accompanying foxtrot by Vincent, Flavia, Brian and Kristina, it was time to reveal the winner. After the others were eliminated, it was between Kelly and Jill; In the end, though, it was Jill & Darren who walked away with the trophy.

First up, every couple had to redo their highest scoring ballroom and Latin numbers from the main series; interestingly enough, this led to everyone doing a foxtrot for the ballroom, but allowed for a little more variety in the Latin.

As always, we also got interludes in which all the eliminated dancers (including John Sergeant) re-performed their favourite routines, although as Jodie was ill she couldn’t join in. Sadly, unlike most years where not being under scrutiny lets the knocked out celebs perform better in the final, this time around everyone except the near-finalists seemed as bad or worse than they had been.

Ballroom Round

• Rachel & Vincent (foxtrot): Although this routine will never be as memorable to me as the best Strictly had to offer in previous years, I must admit I liked it a bit better this time around. The dance had grace, lightness and elegance, and Rachel is certainly good at what she does, but she still never managed to really hit it off with me.
• Tom & Camilla (foxtrot): As the only celebrity who had to lead, Tom had a bit more of a challenge than the girls, and although his performance was largely very good, perhaps it was this that prevented him from quite reaching their standard. He was also plagued by a stumble in the middle, an unfortunate accident that marred the dance overall.
• Lisa & Brendan (foxtrot): Although it was hard to see the footwork because of the long skirt, Lisa seemed to being doing, and certainly put on a good performance. There’s really not much more to be said.

Latin Round

• Rachel & Vincent (rumba): Why can I not see what everyone else sees in this rumba? I just find it overacted and a bit lacking in actual dancing in favour of striking lines. It’s a bit of an ego pleaser for the performers, and borderline indecent and packed with performance though it may be, it doesn’t turn me on.
• Tom & Camilla (salsa): I would have preferred to have seen one of the five ‘main’ Latin dances in the final, as salsa tends to be a bit wild and frenetic (or not authentic), but at least Tom put energy into this routine. A crowd-pleaser, but not especially polished.
• Lisa & Brendan (cha cha): Everyone may be calling it the best cha cha of the series, but that doesn’t mean it’s anything special- it’s just the best of a bad lot. Once again I wasn’t wowed by this dance, and it just makes me wonder- is there something wrong with SCD6, or something wrong with me?

To finish up, Brucie performed ‘What the World Needs Now’ with the ladies as per tradition, and although Anton tried to get on stage, he was quickly seen off again.

The results show kicked off with the announcement of who was in third place, and predictably it turned out to be Lisa & Brendan. The remaining two couples performed a ‘group’ Viennese waltz- a classy and elegant routine with not much to tell between either of them.

Freestyle

As with season three, even though they were no longer in the running, Lisa and Brendan got to perform their freestyle.

• Lisa & Brendan: I have to admit that I really didn’t like this routine- it was clearly modelled on pure exhibition dancing, but all that meant that it was all lifts and no real dancing without even the technical expertise of the champions. Add in Lisa’s ‘swimsuit’ costume, and there wasn’t much to recommend it.
• Rachel & Vincent: If Lisa and Brendan went a bit too far, then Vincent definitely played it too safe with this Latin medley plus lifts. It was competent, but it didn’t really hold the power to wow me. Then again, I’m sorry to say that Rachel has rarely been memorable on the dance floor no matter how good she may have been.
• Tom & Camilla: With a rare ballroom style showdance, it was Tom who stole the show- perhaps it was not quite as polished as it could have been, but Tom still shone in this combination of quickstep, tango and comically inspired musicality. All showdances should be this much fun.

…and more

• Duffy performed ‘Mercy’ in what my brother calls a ‘Chihuahua’ voice with added arm waving, but at least it was ameliorated by some sharp moves from Brian and Kristina.
• James and Ola followed up with a cha cha, showing the celebs exactly how it should have been done. Now, where can I get that dress, complete with back finished?
• Previous winners: Jill, Alesha, Mark, Darren and their partners all came back for one fun, fabulous showdance- a great way to round off the evening.
• The final result: as anyone could have guessed after the public vote was revealed, Tom & Camilla walked away with the trophy. This wasn’t Strictly’s best year, but even amidst the controversy, over-marking and press hype, there have still been some fun moments. Let’s just hope the BBC don’t kill off the goose entirely come 2009.

It’s down to the wire now, with those two places in the final all depending on the highly technical Argentine tango, as well as our couples’ choice of favourite fance, redone with new music and choreography. Who would shine on the floor, and whose number was up?

Round One

• Lisa & Brendan (Argentine tango): It was clear that both Lisa and Brendan had put a lot of effort into this dance, and I did rather enjoy the routine, but there was something a little lacking- it didn’t quite have the necessary ease and fluidity. Still, a very good effort for a brand new dance.
• Tom & Camilla (jive): I have to admit that I’m with Craig on this one- it was a lot of fun and Tom put in an amazing amount of energy, but I felt the choreography itself was somewhat lacking. Camilla seemed to be using the same old tricks, and I would have just liked something a little bit different.
• Rachel & Vincent (Argentine tango): Vincent is a world tango champion, so of course my expectations were very high for this one, and in the main, they were met. The choreography was very complex here, but Rachel coped well, lending a fluidity to the dance that Lisa had lacked, whilst the lifts were utterly spectacular. My only complaint was that Vincent was perhaps too good, and could have toned it down a little bit to showcase Rachel more.

Round Two

• Lisa & Brendan (quickstep): It was with great flair and energy that Lisa tackled her second dance, bringing elegance and smoothness to the dance floor. I loved the dress, liked the music and enjoyed the dance- what more can you ask for?
• Tom & Camilla (Argentine tango): Although the choreography was not up to the level that Rachel and Vincent showed us, this dance still had its strengths- the performance side was strong and Tom really used his acting skills to tell a story. I preferred Gethin’s AT last year (and of course nothing matches Mark Ramprakash), but still a good effort.
• Rachel & Vincent (American smooth): I’m not sure what to make of this dance- the performance was lovely and filled with elegance and understatement, but Len was right to point out that there wasn’t any real foxtrot content in it- it lacked identity as a dance.

Results show

• Professional showdance: world champions Craig Smith and Natalie Woolf performed this year’s showdance, and as with Victor and Hanna, whilst I can appreciate the technical prowess and the incredible lifts, I prefer more traditional dancing rather than these shows of strength.
• Pro jive: Darren, Lilia, James, Ola, Matthew and Karen lit up the floor with an energetic jive.
• Chicago: the cast of Chicago and our professional dancers came together to perform a kicking chorus line performance of “All That Jazz”.
• Elimination: I’m very happy to report that no one was knocked out this week- instead they’re carrying over the votes and scores from this week to the final. Good decision, BBC- we’ll have a proper three person final this year!

Ballroom round

• Austin & Erin (American smooth): Matt Dawson’s tips may have helped with the arms, but whilst this was a decent enough routine, it felt a little safe- perhaps because Austin has been so tired lately. Putting both lifts at the end made them feel a bit tacked on; overall it was good but not great.

• Lisa & Brendan (waltz): Although not perfect, this was still a lovely waltz- once again everything came together in terms of music, choreography and presentation, resulting in a beautifully elegant and understated routine.

• Tom & Camilla (foxtrot): Tom proved his worth in the ballroom once again with this routine, which was smooth, flowing and apparently effortless. It’s a close-run thing, but this may have been the best dance of the ballroom round.

• Rachel & Vincent (tango): I don’t really like the ‘fairy princess’ netted skirts they keep giving Rachel, but in fact the dance itself was rather good- it’s just that it felt too much like an Argentine tango, and with that dance just a week away, I would have liked something a lot more ballroom. And why can’t Rachel ignite my fire?

Latin round

• Austin & Erin (salsa): Salsa is something Erin isn’t familiar with, and it certainly showed here- this routine might have been okay for a night out but here it felt lacklustre with Erin concentrating so hard on her own steps that Austin wasn’t given a lot of help. Erin’s skirt was lovely, but more was needed from the dancing.

• Lisa & Brendan (jive): Although it was a good effort from Lisa, it didn’t quite come off- she lacked the bounce and it ended up feeling somewhat superficial instead of driving into the floor. At least it was fun.

• Tom & Camilla (rumba): I must admit I really didn’t like this rumba- it was basically a race from one line to another (with even Camilla looking rushed), with practically no basic or proper rumba steps at all. Far too unbalanced for my liking.

• Rachel & Vincent (cha cha): Rachel seemed to be borrowing Erin’s cha cha dress for this one, but while it was probably the best from the Latin round, once again she just didn’t strike a chord with me. I don’t know what it is; Rachel does all the steps but I just don’t feel them connecting with me or coming to life.

Results show

• Hustle: Brian and Kristina performed the hustle, a dance I’ve only recently become familiar with thanks to DWTS, and one which doesn’t particularly grab me. Indeed, this wasn’t a routine I’d go out of my way to see, but the talented Brian and the lovely Kristina are always good on the floor.

• Viennese waltz: The pros danced a nice enough Viennese waltz that somehow felt oddly frenetic due to lots of changes in hold- I would have preferred the dance to be entirely in hold, but I guess that was deemed too dull for the audience.

• Argentine tango: Vincent & Flavia and another pro AT couple showed the potential semi-finalists how it should be done with a sexy, steamy routine- personally I prefer the dances they’ve done in previous years (and the wonderful milonga), but this was still very good, of course.

• Barry Manilow performed ‘Copacabana’- he may look a bit strange these days but at least he can sing, and of course nothing could suit the track better than a samba from Darren, Lilia, Ian and Camilla.

• Elimination: surprisingly, Austin fell into the bottom two alongside Lisa, and instead of being able to do his American Smooth, he had to rely on his higher scoring salsa against Lisa’s waltz. Under those circumstances, even Austin, once tipped to win the whole thing, couldn’t triumph, and so ended up going home in fourth place.

The time has come to ramp things up a notch; with only five couples left, the four places in next week’s show are going to be hotly contested by not one but two dances. Who will up their game and who will take a nosedive into obscurity?

Ballroom Round

• Rachel & Vincent (waltz): I didn’t like the choice of music as the beat was hard to follow, and Rachel’s ‘princess’ dress obscured her footwork, but that aside, this was a very good dance. Rachel’s routines still aren’t proving as memorable as the best that Strictly has to offer, but she is still talented.

• Lisa & Brendan (foxtrot): An elegant and glamorous routine from Lisa, well choreographed to the music and a joy to watch. I may even prefer this to Rachel’s foxtrot last week- certainly Lisa and Brendan have turned it right around from the early weeks.

• Christine & Matthew (tango): Smiley Christine was never going to find the passion and aggression of the tango easy and indeed, as hard as she worked, it wasn’t really her dance. She managed not to smile, but she lacked the sharpness and precision that the dance needs to bring it to life. It’s just not a dance for a lovely softie like Christine.

• Austin & Erin (foxtrot): After failing to impress in last week’s Latin, Austin was largely back on form in the ballroom this week; time limitations and Austin’s lack of sleep meant it wasn’t quite as polished as usual, but it was still very good- as to be expected when his teacher is ballroom expert Erin.

• Tom & Camilla (waltz): Although it wasn’t perfect, Tom’s waltz was an excellent conclusion to the ballroom round- a gentle, understated routine carried off with elegance and grace.

Latin Round

• Rachel & Vincent (paso doble): After too much cape work from Vincent and nothing from Rachel at the start, this took a while to get going- Rachel seemed lacking in the toning and aggression needed. Towards the end the dance improved, but it felt like too little, too late- and the non-traditional music didn’t help matters at all.

• Lisa & Brendan (cha cha): The trouble with this routine was that although it was good, it just didn’t ignite my fire, although I think it may have been largely due to the music, which I didn’t like. Lisa owned the floor, but without the cha cha mood, it didn’t feel as good as it was technically.

• Christine & Matthew (salsa): Fortunately for Christine, this dance was much more up her street than the tango, but while she was having fun out on the floor, it’s become clearer than ever that she’s behind the others in terms of ability. As far as technique goes, Christine didn’t quite make it, and was lacking in footwork, speed and precision.

• Austin & Erin (paso doble): I’m afraid I’m with Len on this one- Austin did look like a waiter wandering around, and the dance was sorely lacking in content. I didn’t even like the performance much, so it did nothing for me- especially the ‘Ole’ at the start.

• Tom & Camilla (samba): This was another routine that was good at its core, but suffered somewhat in the execution, lacking sufficient bounce and coming across as not quite the right type of party dance- less of a carnival in Rio and more of a get-together with your mates.

Results Show

• Latin medley: Darren and Lilia showed us how it’s done with a variety of Latin rhythms that came together to create a lovely, enjoyable routine. Oh, and I need Lilia’s feathered skirt.

• Pro quickstep: Brian, Karen, Anton, Flavia, Darren, Lilia, James and Ola put on a new pro quickstep- the partnerships, the dark dresses and the modern music might have been unconventional, but the standard was consistently excellent.

• Estelle performed ‘American Boy’ and once again Brian got to dance to it, although this time it was with Karen, Flavia, Ola and James. These uneven partnership pro dances have been an interesting change of pace this season.

• Elimination: This week the dance-off was between Rachel & Vincent and Christine & Matthew- predictably, as the weakest remaining dancer, Christine was the one to go home.