For the past couple of years, I’ve been guilty of leaving this blog to moulder in a state of neglect- simply because as things stand, I don’t have time to both watch TV and blog about it, and the laws of cause and effect suggest that if I have to only pick one, then it must be to merely watch it. Anyway, after watching David Mitchell’s Soapbox, I have decided to give this blog a new lease of life by ranting about all the things that make me bitter and angry inside.
In this first instalment, the object of my ire will be couples- or, to be more specific, my having to encounter couples in public. Now, there is no doubt that this is motivated by jealousy, because at the time of writing not only am I not part of a couple, whilst someone I like is part of a couple that doesn’t include me. And given that the only people even vaguely interested in me are dating site weirdoes, it hardly seems likely that the situation will change any time soon.
It’s hardly surprising, then, that as I make my way around London on my lonesome, I feel more tha a little irked to be (sometimes literally) tripping over couples left, right and centre. Everywhere I go I’m confronted by those smug pairings, holding hands and cuddles in silent judgement of my single status. Look at us, they say, secure in the knowledge that we will never go anywhere or do anything alone. Enjoy cooking your pasta for one, loser, whilst we nibble hors d’oeuvres by candlelight in a romantic restaurant.
Worse yet are the couples who have to take it one step further, flaunting their relationship with so-called ‘public displays of affection’. For example, one day I was innocently walking into my local tube station when I was confronted by a couple making out in front of the ticket barriers- adding insult to injury by blocking the very path I needed to take. And whilst that was the most memorable instance, it is hardly the only one. At least the ones who take to some secluded corner can be bypassed- it’s the ones that block your path that really irritate. Are you really so hot for each other that you can’t take two more steps to the side before devouring each other like ravenous wolves? I have places to be other than staring at your little love story, so if you could just let me past on my way to get to them, I’d be much obliged. Can’t you feel the building rage as I wonder if I can get away with treading on your feet, or ‘accidentally’ elbowing you? Yes, I have a lot of rage to work through.
And with that in mind, what exactly is the correct protocol when you bump into a friend having an intimate moment with their significant other? Do you walk on by like they’re complete strangers or do you interrupt with a quick cough and a ‘hi there’? If you go out with a couple, are you supposed to look away and pretend you’re not with them the moment when they start stroking each other, or do you stare like an idiot? Should you start wondering what their policy on threesomes is?
Whatever the case, awkwardness and bitter jealousy abound, and with couples lurking round every corner, the life of a lone wolf can be a difficult one. So, as you smug couples melt into each other and clutter up the streets of London, spare a thought for those of us venture out alone, without a soul mate or fuck buddy on our arms.
Next rant: Karura explains why commuters angry up her blood on a daily basis.