Why I hate all The Apprentice candidates as per usual

So, with the new series all fired up and ready to go, I thought I’d get myself in the mood by watching the audition videos on the BBC website- but as I watched the usual procession of smug gits, I knew I just had to blog about them! Oh, I’m sure that, as always, most of them will come across as much nicer and more human once they appear on You’re Fired, but for the moment, I hate them all, and this is why.

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Alex Bitez Cabral

The usual smug git who has no time to be Mr Nice Guy. He’s happy to be unpopular, which will surely come in handy as he hasn’t shown much in the way of affability. He’s cursed himself by claiming he reckons he could easily win, a phrase most often used by those who get fired in the first week.

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Edward Hunter

At age fourteen, this self-styled wheeler dealer apparently subcontracted his paper round to ten year olds- anyone who can turn to child exploitation that young clearly has a future in business! Apparently, he “accidentally became a chartered accountant”, which seems a rather careless thing to accidentally do- I mean, wouldn’t you notice what was happening along the way? Will I wake up tomorrow and find that I’ve accidentally become a lawyer overnight?

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Ellie Read

Ellie is apparently a nice person with a dark side, so I look forward to seeing some sort of split personality antics in which her eyes flash and she flies into a murderous rage. If you think I’m joking, listen carefully to the point where she says she’ll fight her corner to the death. After launching into a long list of all the strata of society she doesn’t like, she goes on to tell us how she’s never experienced failure, and how it would gut her and break her to do so. Surely an inability to handle the inevitable failures that crop up in our lives from time to time is a weakness rather than a strength? I’d rather work with someone who was confident they could handle failure and come back from it!

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Edna Agbara

You know how some people just can’t stop themselves from spouting buzz-phrases? Well, Edna is one of them- she’s even savvy enough to go with the “I’m not perfect but I know my limitations” approach. If anyone’s up for some blue sky thinking outside the box, it will be Edna.

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Felicity Jackson

Mathematically, the most effort anyone can give is 100%, but Felicity is apparently so marvellous that 110% is her baseline, ratcheting up to a whopping 200% for her own businesses. I’d like to see how she manages that- perhaps she has a clone? Her other special ability is turning negative comments into positive ones- I’d like to see how that works on “You’re shit”. She’s got no time for friends in the business world, but then perhaps that’s because she’s both chatty (self-confessed) and ‘constantly’ being asked to do freelance work. Is that in the same way that the garage entrance on my old route to work was ‘in constant use’ even though I never saw anyone entering or leaving?

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Gavin Winstanley

He’s done it all and been the best, he’s special and brilliant- then why haven’t I heard of him before? Apparently everyone will love and respect him and even Lord Sugar has nothing to teach him, which makes me wonder- why go on the show at all? I mean, given how special and brilliant he is, he should be making his own Apprentice, shouldn’t he? I mean, I think I’m special and brilliant and better than everyone else, but I don’t go bragging about…oh.

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Glenn Ward

Well, at least he’s honest about how he’s going to stab everyone else in the back. He reckons he’s pretty great, has got ‘several businesses’ and can do anything anyone else can do- a bit like a Mimic in Final Fantasy. He’s a perfectionist who takes his time, which I can see coming back to bite him in the rear when the clock’s ticking on those tasks.

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Helen Louise Milligan

Helen’s smiling throughout her video, but all it serves to do is illustrate the ferocious grip those teeth would be capable of. Apparently her one failing is to be too loyal, and she’s spent so long making other people money that now it’s time to make money for herself. Not that she’ll have any time to enjoy it, as she works 24/7 and considers her job to be her life. I mean, I’m all for commitment to one’s profession, but this is a step too far! If she doesn’t at least get some sleep, she’ll be going on a psychotic killing spree and ripping apart the other candidates with her teeth!

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Jim Eastwood

I know you have to bullshit on job applications, but anyone who has to tell you about their charisma and integrity probably lacks at least the latter. He’s driven and hungry, so I suggest he gets a good meal before he starts The Apprentice. When he says he can fulfil people’s needs and give them more than they ever imagined in an Irish accent, I can’t help thinking ‘leprechaun’.

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Leon Doyle

Apparently he’s 26, although he looks and acts a lot younger. He could be the Stuart Baggs of this season, starting with this great quote- “I don’t like, sort of, your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo, because, chances are, he probably can’t- and why would an Eskimo buy ice?” Think you’re missing the point there, sonny. He’s very kindly decided not to smash through the other candidates, but will be doing it in a ‘charming manner’, and when he’s done, he wants to build his own house. He may well mean by himself, since apparently over the last two years he’s done it all solo. Yeah, a lot of men have to do that when they don’t have a partner.

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Melody Hossaini

She’s been kidnapped and held at gunpoint, all good experience for facing the boardroom. I respect the hardships she must have been through, but I hope she doesn’t play the ‘it’s difficult for me because I’m female and in an ethnic minority’ card if things don’t go her way.

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Natasha Scribbins

Right after claiming to be charming, she admits to being ‘in your face’- not my idea of charming at all then! Apparently she ticks all the boxes, which will be useful in the famous ‘box ticking’ task but perhaps of limited use elsewhere. She seems obsessed with mechanical devices, mentioning switches, toning up and down, pushing buttons and winding people up. Her plan is apparently to be so annoying that the other candidates will simply want to leave to get away from her. Or she could just get herself fired.

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Susan Ma

I know exactly what to say in order to bullshit and blag, but when it comes from Susan Ma, it sounds as if she actually believes in those textbook phrases. She seems too young and earnest to last long in what Lord Sugar calls ‘this process’.

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Tom Pellereau

Like all the other candidates, Tom reckons he’s different from everyone else (“we’re all individuals!”). He dreams of a world where everyone can find their special skill and contribute to a team. Watch out when the glasses come off, because that’s when laser beams shoot from his eyes, scything through the competition.

Vincent Disneur

Vincent clearly had a read of thesaurus.com before he filmed his audition, because right from the start he bombards us with adjectives, even throwing in a rare use of ‘vivacious’ to hook the by now jaded audition video viewer. He’s a ‘proven model’, and thus possibly an android, which would explain how he has an ‘unprecedented amount of business acumen’- he’s been programmed with business strategies from great minds throughout the ages! Then again, he’s also a mass of contradictions- one minute he’s ‘best of breed’, then he’s saying everyone’s equal! Although I guess some are more equal than others.

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Zoe Beresford

Nothing stops Zoe- in fact, she may be some kind of Terminator. Unfortunately, whilst she’s no stranger to the 4 or 5am start, she didn’t say anything about working 24/7, so if you ask me, she’s slacking off. Insurmountable odds are nothing to her, which makes about as much sense as the Yu-Gi-Oh movie’s “even eternity doesn’t last forever”.

So, with all these great personalities eager to make fools of themselves for amusement, let the fun begin. The show proper starts next Tuesday, but don’t expect me to blog about it- unlike these driven people, I’m just too damned lazy.

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One thought on “Why I hate all The Apprentice candidates as per usual

  1. I hate the apprentice to! I want to go into business, but I don’t have the 8 A Levels and the snobbery to go with it, looks like that’s my career over if the apprentice is showing what you have to be like in order to succeed.

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