The Great Star Trek Voyager Rewatch: Fair Haven

Tom Paris has designed a brand new hologram – Fair Haven, a friendly and welcoming 19th century Irish village. With nothing else to do whilst they weather a neutronic wavefront, the crew enjoy some downtime in Fair Haven, including Captain Janeway, who becomes quite taken with bartender Michael Sullivan.

We all knew it was coming. A holodeck episode so stereotypically Irish that it would make our eyes bleed as green as Tuvok’s blood just to see it. Something so quaint and twee that we would never be the same. The so-called “fiddle dee dee” episode. Fair Haven.

If you don’t like holodeck episodes that take us away from the futuristic setting of a 24th century starship in favour of a jaunt to olde-time Earth, then you won’t want to touch Fair Haven with a barge pole. Thanks to yet another bollocks spatial disturbance, the crew has no choice but to hang around the holodeck all day, enjoying Tom Paris’ latest creation.

Now throw Captain Janeway into the mix. Poor Janeway hasn’t had sex in the best part of six years, four of which were spent believing she still had a man waiting for her back home. Since she can’t shack up with any of the crew (except maybe Neelix or Seven of Nine), she turns to a holographic man instead, with the added bonus that she can reprogram him however she likes.

If it weren’t for the terrible setting, or the general blandness of Janeway’s ideal man, this would indeed be an interesting concept to explore. Why shouldn’t the holodeck provide a bit of titillation? What’s wrong with programming your ideal mate? Besides, a slip of a tongue, or a change in subroutine, and they’re likely to become sentient anyway. Is it any wonder that holo-addiction is a thing in the 24th century?

And yet, Janeway soon comes to realise that being able to program and refine your perfect mate is not all it’s cracked up to be. By controlling every aspect of your partner, you never given them a chance to learn and grow, to surprise you or to assert themselves. Ultimately, it’s all about what you want from a relationship. For quick sex, unswerving devotion, or something else superficial, a programmable partner is ideal. For something deeper and more complicated, you need a properly evolved personality.

Stereotypically 19th century Irish things in Fair Haven

  • Pretty much everyone is a pig farmer.
  • A bar fight breaks out.
  • The Doctor takes on the role of a Catholic priest.
  • Maggie O’Halloran, a bonny Irish lass.
  • Long walks in the countryside.
  • Arm wrestling.
  • Games of rings.
  • Steamed cabbage and other traditional dishes.
  • Irish poetry.
  • The town drunk.
  • Danny Boy.

Other points

  • Who else is wondering whether Janeway has been using her replicator rations to make sex toys for self pleasure?
  • If Fair Haven has been expanded across both holodecks, how is Janeway using an empty holodeck to reprogram Michael?
  • Besides, isn’t it a bit selfish to have Fair Haven take up both holodecks, when not everyone on the ship may want to spend their holodeck time in an Irish village?
  • Were there really no backups or restore points after the program got corrupted through a faulty shutdown?

Lost, crashed or destroyed shuttlecraft running total: 16

Possibly salvageable shuttlecraft running total: 10

Number of times the entire crew gets enslaved or kicked off the ship: 3

Number of times a version of Voyager gets destroyed: 5

Summary – Fair Haven: Fiddle dee dee.

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